Author Archives: Please Return to Owner

About Please Return to Owner

I'm your deranged avatar, a figment of your fevered imagination. Breath a word of this to no one. They'll all call you crazy.

I’m So Vain I Probably Think This Blog is About Me

Which is why I’ve been ignoring it. I’m like an emotionally abusive husband to myself. What does that have to do with vanity? Well maybe I’m just so into myself I don’t even have time to pay attention to myself … Continue reading

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Because I Feel Bad About the Last Entry of the Week Being a Poem… HERE’S HOW NUMBERS WORK YEAH!

This is going to be really short. Freshman Algebra for some reason we get into Social Security numbers. My guess why? Teacher was trying to steal some identities in retrospect, but who knows. Obnoxious Kid (Me): Hey, what happens when there … Continue reading

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Every Business Person in Busyville Loved Being Busy a Lot… (Hey, don’t read this, I was bored. I see some people clicked here. I apologize. I’ll add something less lame in a bit.)

But David who writes advertising DOES NOT! David hates business! The whole business season! You can ask why, and he’ll probably tell you the reason. Businesses are greedy and soulless, they can’t help it But we’ve turned them into people … Continue reading

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Dear Judgmental Soccer Mom

Thanks for the comments! I was going to entertain myself for an hour or so until lunch got here with sarcasm and double entendre and time how long it took to catch on. I do enjoy those kinds of back … Continue reading

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I Killed My Tortoise

I have Dissociative Feelings Disorder. And before you ask, yes I just made that up. THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT REAL! Dissociative Identity Disorder is multiple personalities, which is awesome in theory but probably in real life not as cool … Continue reading

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Okay You’re a Mother, You’re Not My Fucking Mother

This is a short one and doesn’t really count as a post, but in my ever-spiraling descent into utter and complete anti-social hermitdom I find I need to step back, take a breath, and discern whether this newest thought I cannot … Continue reading

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It’s Called Healing People

Warning: Don’t read this if you internalize insults made to strangers out of anger, or if you externalize those insults and apply them to entire groups of people, or just don’t read this because I get pretty offensive. But for … Continue reading

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