Okay You’re a Mother, You’re Not My Fucking Mother

This is a short one and doesn’t really count as a post, but in my ever-spiraling descent into utter and complete anti-social hermitdom I find I need to step back, take a breath, and discern whether this newest thought I cannot shake is a legitimate point of view or another sign that the only thing keeping me out of permanent residence in a cave in a forest in the middle of nowhere so I never have to see or talk to another human again is the fact that the cave doesn’t get internet and I can’t hook up my PS4.

But seriously just because you’re a mother I happen to know I need to say Happy Mothers Day? Fuck you, you didn’t squeeze me out of your twat.

Is that crazy?

I have it on good authority that many have even taken to buying gifts for other people’s mothers ie grandmothers, wives (and okay that one might make the cut, maybe), step sisters, sisters, etc just because of some relation (often questionable relation… am I really related to my sister-in-law? REALLY?). Listen assholes, that’s my mom not yours don’t buy her shit. In fact shut your stupid mouth and give me that candy I’ll give it to her myself.

And I know, it’s just a nice thing, we should appreciate all mothers right!?!?

And most people would see that and see some deep meaningful truth or some shit but all I see is, “How do I know your mom isn’t a serial killer. Fuck your mom.”

Really I just feel manipulated I think. Like the flower and candy industry have teamed up to make Mother’s Day into All-Women-Who’ve-Popped-Out-A-Kid-Day to increase their bottom line.

Well this year I took a stand. I said fuckit all Sunday. Avoided all sisters/aunts/friends/in-laws-of-every-sort/extended family who are all mothers like plague and stuck to just my own mother. I did it! And I felt I made some meaningful point even if I was the only one who noticed until I had to go to dinner with the girl I’m seeing and to my surprise her mother was there (in retrospect of fucking course she was there it’s mother’s day you idiot) and I to my own eternal disappointment in myself blurted out because I absolutely had nothing else in my head except “hehehe I’m totally banging your daughter,”  “Happy Mother’s Day by the way” as I got the tab for Mother’s Day.

Fuck me. And this is why I need to live in a cave.

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About Please Return to Owner

I'm your deranged avatar, a figment of your fevered imagination. Breath a word of this to no one. They'll all call you crazy.
This entry was posted in Life advice from Yoda... or a yeti who knows and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Okay You’re a Mother, You’re Not My Fucking Mother

  1. I completely agree. I need to wish my mom a Happy Mother’s Day. My kids need to wish my wife a Happy Mother’s Day. My wife needs to wish my mother in law a Happy Mother’s Day. That is all.

    Like

    • Ha! I knew I wasn’t the only one. I explain this in polite company and the looks! I want to think they are all in awe of the depth of logic but I have a feeling there was something else going on as everyone began finding excuses to go somewhere else as quickly as possible. I’m keeping the lease on the cave just in case 🙂

      Like

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