Smart Business Advice for Smart Minded Business Go-Getters, Movers and Shakers. Go Get ‘Em Tiger!

As an important marketer at an important internet marketing company I’m often required to write important advice pieces for less important non-marketing businesses who are our lucky clients. These insightful articles to insignificant businesses consist of our research and development department’s newsletter about technical stuff I don’t read and taking inspiration from headlines I don’t see because it gets deleted from my mail box. I play a game and time how long it stays in my inbox before I notice it and delete it. For every 30 minutes it remains in my inbox that is one less drink of alcohol I’m allowed to take at lunch. It’s fun. You should try it, but no cheating.

When it comes time write one of these I think to myself, “What the fuck am I going to write about now? If only there was some inner office newsletter that covered the highly technical aspects of online marketing I could break down into something useful for our clients…” But by then I’m too drunk to make any relevant connections so I sip on the vodka in my water bottle instead and just make up some bullshit brilliant art based on some bullshit  fascinating advice some other marketer already wrote and they were probably drunker than me when they wrote this because wtf you managed to say nothing in like 1,000 words amazing!

To expand the number of topics I’ve begun including business advice pieces. And as a marketer who knows and cares nothing about business and the idiots insightful individuals who write advice columns about it, (insipid shit-eating brown-nosed sycophants)–Damn turrets. Ignore that… Anyway I feel I’m singularly qualified to tell people what to do in this area and call them stupid misguided when they don’t listen to me.

With that established I’d like to get to the crux of this post, why I’ve called you all into my office today <flushes toilet, leaves stall, begins washing hands, turns on that air blower thingy> please take a seat, it’s still warm.

Okay one piece of business advice that never gets old is to make a list of your goals, and an action plan. Action plan is important because as we all know a plain jane plan never implies action, you have to call it an action plan for it to work. If you call it a fucking plan you’ll get fucking fired. It’s an action plan drink the Kool-Aid bitches.

As an example I’ve written some action plans. Action being the operative word.

  1. Make one billion dollars
  2. Become Batman

Did you catch the action there? Batman. That motherfucker is all about action. I have more.

  1. Invent a light saber
  2. Learn the force
  3. Kick some ass

Few things imply as much action as kicking ass and you can’t kick ass any harder than with a light saber and some force.

  1. Find a hobbit
  2. Go on some adventures with wizards and shit

Another common denominator here, other than action, is simplicity. Simple is essential because no one likes to be confused and it’s really easy to get confused in the business world. To avoid confusion I like to make thought diagrams. Here’s one to go with our first action plan.


Simplicity is key. Next time your boss asks for an action plan feel free to use this one. It’s all yours… but only if you give it to your boss as an action plan. You can’t repost this anywhere for any reason except as an action plan to be handed to your boss unless full credit is given along with a link back to this website.


About Please Return to Owner

I'm your deranged avatar, a figment of your fevered imagination. Breath a word of this to no one. They'll all call you crazy.
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